Blurt Shit Out: Vol. 1 – a creative essay

Blurt Shit Out

Vol. 1

Z.C. Angel


If you’re anything like me then you must hate it when people try to censor what you say. The thing that I like the most about being a Scorpio is my blunt nature. I let people know the harsh truth even when they don’t want to hear it.

The truth hurts so deal with it.

There are too many things inside of me to keep bottled up. There are too many situations that I can’t pass up the chance to crush someone’s “fab” life or as I like to call it…their fake ass bitch life.

Don’t let anyone censor your uniqueness.

It’s time to blurt shit out!

At work:

“My favorite moment in life is when you shut the fuck up.”

At a high school reunion:

“What makes you relevant is the fact that I’m your friend.”

At a Chipotle after you get your order, smile then say:

“I hate you [their name]!”

At church:

“I love you Santa!”

At San Diego’s LGBT Pride Event:

“That priest can fuck me anytime.”

At an abortion clinic:

“That is one ugly baby.”

At the grocery store:

“Someone fucked you?”

At Disney World:

“Do you know where I can find someone more interesting to fuck?”

At a Mother’s Day party:

“Fuck you mom!”

At Broadway shows:

“I came a little.”

At a nursing home:

“You’re too ugly to be raped.”

At an AA meeting:

“You’re still alive?”

At a friend’s wedding:

“I fucked her father, brother, sister, and dog!”

At a charity event:

“He may be homeless but I’d still do him.”

At your sister’s baby shower:

“I fucked him first.”

At the dollar store:

“I don’t give a fuck if you have cancer, get your dead ass back to work and scan my shit!”

At your I Don’t Need Any Friends Event:

“Ghost please!”

At your black friend’s promotion party:

“You’re saying that because I’m white right?”

At Disney World:

“Pregnant whore coming through.”

At your daughter’s sleep over party:

“You just don’t know how much it takes to keep me from cutting your Barbie’s hair you 3 year old bitch.”

At a sign language fund raiser:

“I’m too deaf to care.”

At a family reunion:

“I’m sorry you mistook me for a close acquaintance.”

At the park to a tree:

“Back the fuck off!”

At a game arcade: “Bend me over and make me your bitch.”

At KFC:

“The only thing precious about you is the bucket of chicken you’re eating.”

At the DMV:

“Correction honey. I’m a cunt not a bitch like you.”

At Latrell’s M.A.C. makeup counter in MACY:

“Can I see if my slap matches your skin tone?”

At a swimming pool while teaching kids to swim:

“QUIET SATAN!”

At an adoption center:

“You should’ve been swallowed.”

At you Dad after he tells you he’s gay:

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That’s my thing!”

At a strip club:

“You are nothing but a nickel in a dollar world.”

At the nearest stop light:

“Bitches get paid!”

At someone who’s going to cross the street and is about to get hit:

silence

At a funeral:

“What do I have to do to get some attention around here…die?”

At the top of your lungs when everyone is home:

“YOU CAN SEE ME!”

At your next doctor’s appointment:

“I blacked out when that elephant dick went in me.”

At a bank teller:

“Bitch better have my rubies!

At the corner:

“I’m easy to please and please easily.”

At the grocery store:

“RUN!”

At your brother’s court hearing:

“GUILTY AS FUCK!!!”

At school plays:

“Cancelled!”

At McDonald’s drive-thru window:

“I like your voice because it reminds me of dying cats. Can I get your number?”

At you mother when she calls you a bitch:

“You’re next.”

At the person behind you in line:

“If you’re going to stand that close to me then at least stick your dick in and make the wait worth it.”

At the person who made you read Blurt Shit Out: Vol. 1 by Z.C. Angel:

“THANK YOU!!!!”

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