Tail of a Male
Tonight’s the night. That is all that ran through my hectic mind. I will ask Jared out and if he says no to a movie and dinner, I’ll just turn around and walk like I never did before to show him what he’s missing. Now if he says yes…well I haven’t thought of that yet. My problem is self-doubt which is very untrue to my nature because I’m a Scorpio. I read this book that told me I can be the ugliest bitch in town and still get dates just because of the sexual magnetism a Scorpio gives off. Now that is true, because I’m not tall, dark, and Ricky Martin; I’m short, chubby, and your average chancleta.
Back to Jared though. He makes me nervous every time I am working with him and I don’t know…well I maybe do know why. He is unavailable, straight, and I just love the way he smiles. I know, I know …
straight. That’s my obstacle. He’s my bungee boy; doesn’t know which side he’s swinging on until he comes and goes. For now, I’m just gonna hope he comes into the store because it’s paycheck day and he always shows up at 4:15 p.m. and its 4:00 p.m. He always comes in with his nice buttoned down shirt that brings out his intoxicating blue eyes; leaves the two top buttons undone which show off his chest hair; his body smells fresh and clean every time he hugs me (I live for those hugs); shorts that show off his legs and sandals that showcases his well manicured feet. I plan on ripping his clothes off and doing him in front of everyone. No, I plan on asking him if he thinks of me every minute of the day as I do of him. Too corny?
- How about telling him that I want him so bad that I would kill my mother to have him?
- I would sell my soul to the devil for him.
- I want to tell him that I want to spend every moment of my life with him.
- I’d be his slave. I’d kiss his feet; I’ll bring the moon and stars down for him.
- Oh and I’d remind him that I’m a sexual person who would do anything for him.
- I want to walk along the beach holding his hands, cuddling by the fireplace would be nice too.
In reality, I just plan on giving him his check. Seriously though, my escape plans if he says no, is to beg and cry. I just wait patiently for Jared to come in and whisper my name.
Hold on a sec, someone just came in the store … finally.
“Hi! Welcome to Bath and Body Works. Is there anything I can help you with?” I ask the customer.
“No!” said the customer.
“Ok. Well just to let you know that we have some new …”
The cunt-stomer cuts me off with…“I said no! Dammit! Leave me alone!”
“Uh … ok. Fine.”
Well that was a waste of my time. I’m not going to worry about how rude that customer was because Jared is going to be coming in here any second now and I don’t want to be frowning.
Side note: I need to reapply my limeade lip-gloss (Jared’s fave). Give me a sec.
Oh, great! The store phone is ringing. Please tell me I don’t have to get it! Because if I fucking miss Jared after all this waiting I’m going to be so pissed.
Janelle (what one might call a co-worker) picked up the phone. She calls my name out in the store loud enough for the termites to hear.
“What Janelle? Can’t you see I’m busy?” I tell her as I finish applying my lip-gloss.
Janelle points to the phone. “It’s your hubby.”
“What? My hubby?”
Yes I am a married man and a little flirting never hurts. After all, it was my eyes doing all the work, and a little hugging here or there. Innocent until proven slutty.
“Yeah your hubby. You want me to tell him to call you back because you’re over there queefing like a stupid teenage girl waiting for Jared.” Janelle said as she checked her weave using the register screen as a mirror.
I gave her that I’m going to fire you look and she put the phone on hold and pretended to fix the bags underneath the register. I walk towards the back of the store but keep my eyes to the front because I don’t want to miss him.
I pick up the phone. “What is it hon?”
“I just wanted to remind you that tonight we have …” I cut him off. Jared walks through the front entrance. It felt like the gates of hunk heaven open up except the gates were my legs.
“I gotta go,” I said to my hubby and hung up the phone.
“Jared, hey how are you?”
“Good, how about you Ian?” Jared points to the phone. “Did I interrupt something?”
Jared gives me a hug and I inhale his excellence.
“No.” I try not to look into his eyes. “Just my hubby bothering me at work. Can I ask you some …”
Jared interrupts me, “Hubby?”
“Yeah. You seem shocked or something.” Janelle said while she was pretending to “clean” the counter.
“Oh, I didn’t know he was a faggot!” Jared said as his smile faded away.
“Excuse me!” I said as my heart shattered.
“Whatever just give me my damn check!” Jared crossed his arms. “Now!”
I go to the cash drawer and pull his check out and give it to him. “Jared, I don’t know why you’re mad. I thought you knew.”
“Shut up you fucking homo! Now I have to go check and see if I got AIDS because I gave you a hug!”
I frowned, held back tears, and asked, “Are you serious?”
“Whatever!” Jared said. “I just didn’t know I was working with fags!”
“I’m not a fag and can you please stop saying that?”
“I can say what I want cocksucker!” Jared turns around and yells loud enough for the two customers we had in the store to hear. “A fag works here. I quit!”
My crush walks out the store and I look at Janelle who has been pretending to fix her weave in front of a mirror by the body lotions.
“Janelle, go check that woman’s bag, she’s been putting product in it for the last ten minutes.”
“That seems like too much work,” Janelle said. “You sure?”
I look over to where the woman is and yell, “Hey bitch! Put the product back or I will call the fucking mall security on your ass! It’s only ten dollars you cheap ass hoe!”
“Damn Ian! You alright?” Janelle asks.
“My crush called me a faggot. Your lazy ass doesn’t help for shit and that bitch over there tried to steal,” I inhale. “Does it look like I’m alright?”
Another customer walks in. I put on my fake smile and say, “Welcome to Bath and Body Works.”