The Many Perks of Being Nate
Monday, February 6
Sometimes when life gives you lemons, fuck making the lemonade, and make a sweet lemon cake with coconut icing. Sprinkle it with some lemon zest. Let it rest on a nice serving dish. Contemplate your existence. Cut yourself…a huge slice to devour. Call in sick to work with a good excuse: pink eye in both eyes.
It was a cold day in Oviedo, Florida. My psychiatrist, Barney (the purple dinosaur), always said to never hold grudges. What does a dinosaur know anyway…rhetorical, I hope. Yesterday was a very hard day to live through. I drove to Mount Dora, and I lost the most important thing in my life (at that moment) on February 5, at the Mount Dora flea market. This bitch bought the last bottle of Bath and Body Works Tutti Dolci Mango Sorbetto Perfume. I’ve been searching for one since the last Semi-Annual sale at BBW, where I work, btw. I was so mad. She got it for two dollars. I was going to “Elsa” the situation but I couldn’t. I followed this woman around the flea market for hours. To answer the judgmental look on your face, no I am not a stalker. Well…anyway, she finally went to the parking lot, I got into my car, and made my way around to see which way she was exiting the flea market. Luckily she was driving a yellow Volkswagen Beetle, so it was easy to track her.
After a thirty minute drive, she pulls into her driveway. Damn, her house looks nice. It reminded me of the Halliwell’s house on Charmed. I waited in the car for ten minutes. I really wanted that perfume. Yes, I could’ve waited for the other Semi-Annual sale, but I also could die by then. In my mind, I was going to go up to her door, and kindly ask her if I could buy the perfume from her. On the other hand, I could’ve just…no.
I went to the person’s home that ruined my day, walked up the porch steps, rang the doorbell, and when she answered the door I said, “I’m sorry.”
She asked with the warmest smile, “For what?”
“I’m sorry that you decided to make today the day that you went to the Mount Dora flea market, and ruined my day by purchasing the last Tutti Dolci Mango Sorbetto Perfume! I hope it gives you a rash!” I replied.
She looked at me with a mixture of shock and confusion on her face.
“Can I have it please?”
She slammed the door on my face.
“BURN IN HELL BITCH!”
I walked off the porch, and this old couple walking their hideous dog that looked like one of their own offspring, was staring at me.
I smacked, “What?”
They kept on snailing along. I hoped that a hawk would come by and snatch them up like a slow baby turtle. (Let it be known that I do not condone animal cruelty.)
I got in my car, counted my loses, and made my way to the nearest McDonald’s for an Oreo McFlurry, large fries, 20 Chicken McNuggets, and three apple pies.
I got home at 6 p.m., turned on the television, and Lingo was just starting on the Game Show Network. I checked my answering machine.
- Beep: Hi Nate, this is work calling you just to see how you are doing. Are you coming in tomorrow? Call back please. Bye.
- Beep: Hey babe, how are you feeling? I know we broke up two months ago but I miss your food and I was hungry. I was wondering if you’d cook for me.
- Beep: Mom. Call. Bye.
- Beep: This is Dr. Vemeana. I got your test results back, and we need to talk. Please make an appointment at your earliest convenience.
My response to all of them was unanimous: the little magical erase button.
I put all my food out on the coffee table. I took all of my clothes off, and changed into my fluffy socks and fluffy robe from BBW. I opened a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Daiquiri. I watched Lingo, and started to yell at the dumb contestants for picking the wrong letter.
I finished my McFlurry, and started to eat my McNuggets when I noticed that they forgot to give me my BBQ SAUCE!
I took a sip from the Boone’s Farm Daiquiri bottle. Got my car keys, left the house dressed in my fluffy robe, and drove to my local McDonald’s.
I got out of my car, walked into the lobby area, and with a fake smile I said, “Some inept employee at the Mount Dora location forgot to give me my BBQ sauce with my nugget purchase.”
“Excuse me sir, what happened?” the future of America employee asked.
“Oh now you’re deaf. Lovely.” I rolled my eyes in the nicest way possible and asked, “Can I get some BBQ sauce please?”
“Sir, did you make a purchase?”
“No I just love coming to McDonald’s looking like a crazy person.” I said.
“Do you have your receipt?”
“Really?” I replied and stormed out of McDonald’s. I went to my car and got the receipt from the backseat. I walked back into the McDonald’s lobby, and noticed that the employee I was talking to had a long line of customers to help. I wasn’t waiting in line again so I screamed, “HEY!”
“Sir, you are going to have to…”
“Here is the receipt, now give me my BBQ SAUCE, SIR!”
The boy gave me my sauce packets, and I left.
I got home, started to relax again, and went to put the BBQ sauce in the fridge because I like it cold. When I opened the fridge, I put it right next to the sauce that was already in there; all 32 of them.
I finished eating my food, switched the channel to see Wheel of Fortune.
Dumb fuck of the night: The puzzle category was SAME NAME. The contestant needed one letter to solve the puzzle. I thought he was going to get it. He said he was going to solve it and screams, “TINA AND ICE CREAM SANDWICH!” He jumps up to celebrate, and realizes his fuck up. It was so damn funny because who the fuck eats a Tina Sandwich? It should’ve been ‘Tuna and Ice Cream Sandwich’.
Around 9p.m. I get up to take a shower. I use my Tutti Dolci Mango Sorbetto Body Wash. The smell takes me to Key West. I finished showering and lotion up with my Tutti Dolci Mango Sorbetto Body Soufflé. I smell like a tropical getaway, except no one visits. I go to my spare room where I have all of my BBW products, and other body care goodies from Victoria’s Secret, and Claire’s. I went to my Tutti Dolci section, picked out my Tutti Dolci Mango Sorbetto Perfume and applied two spritzes onto my sexy self. I put the perfume bottle right next to the other twelve Tutti Dolci Mango Sorbetto ones.
Yes, I’m obsessed; however, that’s one of the perks of being a cunt. I don’t give a fuck.