The Many Perks of Being Nate – I Never Like

The Many Perks of Being Nate

Z.C. Angel

I Never Like

February 12,

I never like doing things that society expects me to do. I make my own rules. It´s a my way or get the fuck out of my way type situation.

Things I never like doing include:

Waiting for people to pay for things with change. Coins are for petty bitches.

Telling someone they look cute when they actually woke up after being raped with an ugly stick.

Drinking from someone´s straw. If I wanted an STD then I´d suck a dick instead.

Showing someone affection after they told you one of their loved ones died. They don´t pay my bills.

Smiling at a child after they ¨accidentally¨ hit you with a toy. I will fucking make you eat that toy!

Tipping a waiter/waitress for bringing me my food. They get paid for doing their job. No one tips me for not killing anyone on a sunny day.

Saying pleasantries to a stranger at a friend´s party. ¨They don´t go here.¨

Paying for stuff without sensors on it. If they don´t want me to steal it then they should beef up their security.

Giving up my seat to a pregnant lady in the bus/train/subway. No one told them to get pregnant. Fucking without a condom is not a handicap.

Giving up my seat that is not in the handicap section in the bus/train/subway to an elderly person that is a hop, skip, and a casket away from death. Why the fuck are you not at the nursing home?

Forcing me to try something at a store. Spray me again bitch and see what I do.

Having to see people pay with checks for a $5.00 purchase. It´s 2016, get with the program.

Listening to people ask me ¨Are you sure?¨ after I tell them something. Are you sure that you have life insurance?

Reading post on social media sites with grammar mistakes a two-year old can avoid. Forget reacting to the post. I just unfollow said idiot.

Telling my date that having sex with them was amazing. I´d rather fuck a cactus.

Donating to a worthy cause. If the donations are not fucking my bank account then no thank you.

Looking at my friends vacation pictures for three hours because the bitch had to capture everything…even dog shit because, ¨It is crap from a French dog, an actual French dog!¨ Snap a picture of me walking away and ending our friendship.

Dealing with poor people begging for money. Unemployment my ass…use the job you were born with, your body. Sell it!

Being harassed by bill collectors. Why don´t you collect the many fucks I don´t give?

Being at family gatherings during the holidays. Just Skype me in on Thanksgiving, email me a gift card on X-mas, and I´d be too drunk on New Year´s Eve fucking some random guy in the coat closet.

Listening to screaming unruly children that have a ¨diagnosed disorder¨. Bitch, please. Your child is an asshole, and a demon in the making.

Seeing neanderthals who never cover their mouths when they cough, sneeze, and spread death. A Lysol spray in the face for you, you, you, and you!

Catching my boyfriend fucking the guy I was cheating on him with. Leaked sex tape of Elementary School Principal.

Trying to make sense of your new co-worker that doesn´t speak of lick of English. A bullet sounds the same in every language.

Expect there to be more.

Yes, I have a different view on life; however, it is one of the many perks of being a cunt. Society can suck it.

 

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